The Batman vs. Dracula (2005) is a trifecta of lazy writing: a public domain-plundering, direct-to-video crossover. If that weren’t bad enough, the script is rife with campy vampiric puns that would make Adam West blush. For example, “Miss Vale lacks the bite I require in a mate,” or “You’re my second Batman tonight, and you’re both pains in the neck.” Why “second Batman”? Because the movie seems to be under the impression that “bat” and “vampire” are synonymous.

The above, however, are the apex of wit compared to Count Dracula’s alias. Dracula (Peter Stormare) introduces himself as “Dr. Alucard.” Wait a second… Alucard is Dracula spelled backwards! Why didn’t anyone think of that before? Unbelievably, Bruce Wayne (Rino Romano) has to write the name down and hold it in front of a mirror before it fully sinks in. “The World’s Greatest Detective” my ass.

Dracula is not the only one prone to awkward introductions. While pursuing Vicki Vale (Tara Strong), the Penguin (Tom Kenny) uses the phrase “Here’s Ozzy!” in what I presume is a reference to Ozzy Osbourne by way of The Shining. Or vice versa. This might make sense if the Penguin were saying it to Batman, meaning “I’m going to bite your bat head off” or something like that; why is he saying it to Vicki?

And then there’s the expository dialogue, or should I say monologue? Batman and Alfred (Alastair Duncan) are especially guilty of egocentric speech (i.e., talking to themselves out loud). For instance, “So this is how Dracula bypassed the crosses. I once tapped into these long-forgotten catacombs. Apparently so did he,” or “Master Bruce is triangulating his location from within the catacombs? … I do hope this is a positive turn.”

Master Bruce, as he is wont to do, spends an inordinate amount of time thinking about his dead parents. I guess I should be grateful that “Alucard” doesn’t turn out to be their killer this time around.