The King's Daughter

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"The King's Daughter is everything viewers expected: a formulaic, uninteresting story filled with old-fashioned cliches and spine-chilling visual effects - not in a good way.

Not a single filmmaker and respective creative team deserve to have their work stuck in a seven-year limbo until it's released, let alone due to scheduling and budget issues. However, while the horrible VFX can be forgiven, the disappointing narrative can't be saved, not even by the also underwhelming performances.

Pierce Brosnan (False Positive) seems to represent a caricature, while Kaya Scodelario (Crawl) benefits from the release delay, which fortunately didn't negatively impact her early career. The only positive point is that, in fact, it reached the big screen.

Too bad it's not worth it."

Rating: D-

Must have been tax return time for Pierce Brosnan as he "stars" in this daft historical fantasy about Louis XIV of France and his aspirations for immortality. Egged on by the ambitious "Labarthe" (Pablo Schreiber) he believes that he can live forever if her manages to get hold of a mermaid and - well, he pinches her life force. Snag is, though, his own daughter "Mary-Josephe" (Kaya Scodelerio) is not so supportive of this scheme when she discovers this distressed sea creature and so, of course, off we head into the turbulent waters of familial discord before a whopping great power ballad at the end. William Hurt crops up here, too, and Benjamin Walker provides some eye candy - but the story is Disney-lite, there is way too much verbiage and although Brosnan tries to ham it all up, he just looks like he couldn't care less about any of it - a feeling with which I could pretty readily associate. It does look good, the costumes and Versailles look lovely but the rest of it is straight to video.

King Louis XIV fathered so many bastards even he would have a hard time keeping track. The King’s Daughter (2022) follows one of the lesser known.

You may notice that the title is not “La Fille du Roi.” This is because everyone involved is English, American, Australian, Scottish, and even Chinese — that is, anything but French. One can only wonder two things: 1) what would the French think of their most iconic monarch played by Pierce Brosnan, arguably the most British actor possible, and 2) why didn’t they just move the story from France to England?

Louis has a mermaid kidnapped and brought to an “underground river” in Versailles to be sacrificed during a solar eclipse so that he can become immortal. The creature “remains on the bottom, weakened and traumatized by her journey … It is as if she has lost the will to live.” It never occurs to anyone that perhaps the change of habitat from saltwater to freshwater could have something to do with the mermaid’s declining health. Shouldn’t this be obvious, even in the 18th century?

That notwithstanding, the mermaid is able to save Marie-Josephe’s (Kaya Scodelario) arm from amputation when she enters the water with her. Let’s see; a fantastical, fragile creature that lives in water and has healing powers that can extend people’s age beyond the natural limit. Isn’t that the plot of Cocoon?

According to Louis, “the creature is the centerpiece of the celebration [and must be brought] to full and robust recovery in time for the eclipse.” However, even at a 100%, the mermaid never manages to look like a living being. It’s not that she isn’t realistic because, since there is no such thing as a mermaid, realism doesn’t even enter into the equation.

The problem is that she’s not real — which, on the other hand, makes it a perfect match for a Versailles so phony-looking it appears to have come straight out of an Age of Empires videogame.

The mermaid is played (sort of) by Fan Bingbing, who clearly has the ethereal allure appropriate for the role but is utterly stripped of humanity by piss-poor CGI. Since the part doesn’t require her to talk or do much else besides swim, why not let the flesh-and-blood actress be the mermaid?

The rest is pure generic romantic intrigue. Will Marie-Josephe obey her father’s wishes and marry the suitor he has chosen for her, or will she follow her heart into the arms of indomitable Captain Yves De La Croix (Benjamin Walker)? Will the mermaid succumb to the nefarious plans of Dr. Labarthe (Pablo Schreiber), or will she do a Free Willy at the last second? Is seawater brackish?

The film’s lone saving grace are the interactions between Brosnan and William Hurt (Père Lachaise), which are as deserving of a much better movie as they are out of place in this one. As funny as their few-and-far-between exchanges are, the King’s daily morning ritual of confessing his extra-marital indiscretions of the night before, followed by the insta-absolution required, somewhat under duress, from the priest, is not something you'd want to expose little kids to — and if little kids can’t watch what is essentially a kiddie flick, who will?